Today there are two stories in the news that aren t news at all.
If it s not new it s not news. And both these stories are so old they should be in Latin.
Not the first time you might think. But they both show there s something amiss with our shock nodules.
In the first story Madonna has slapped her boobs out to promote her new album.
It is accompanied for unexplained reasons that must have something to do with satire by an interview conducted by non magical cock monkey David Blaine.
Sitting in boxes has obviously palled and he s decided to become a journalist for which all in my trade thank him.
We all go up a rung when a celebweasel does that.
The interview is as you d expect a lame nonsensical limp through what some spiritual guru might mutter while off their bonce due to self starvation and rare herbs.
Mert Alas and Marcus Piggott/Interview Magazine Madonna poses topless
Madge gives us her opinion on drugs it s a call for God apparently but like really bad and prostitution being very important and things her son says that make him sound like a manipulative goblin.
Yawn.
I doubt Madge gave a toss about Blaine or words and was focused far more on the pictures because imagery is where she s managed to shock us and bend popular culture for 30 years.
Remember the black Jesus Remember Like A Virgin And don t forget the Sex book from 1992 featuring bondage gear bottom licking and Robert Van Winkle AKA Vanilla Ice.
That book was so shocking to so many people it came coated in metal didn t need promoting and is now one of the most sought after out of print books in the world.
If you ve got one eBay it.
But here we are in 2014 Madonna has an album out and she s doing what s always worked pretty well before which is edgy exhibitionism.
Which doesn t work.
There will be some people who say oh but she s 56 and she should stop . Who cares how old she is She s got fine norks for having given birth twice although as a lifelong dancer it s not surprising she s held together well.
There will be plenty who say oh but her nipples look weird and bondage is so last year . Yes they look like they ve been freshly sterilized and plugged on a bottle and a face mask or corset is just meh.
But that s not why it doesn t work.
Nor is it because her collar bone appears to have disappeared or that she s contorted herself painfully so gravity makes the boobs look fuller.
The problem is we don t care.
We ve already seen her norks. We ve seen everyone s norks.
Getty
We ve seen norks stolen from celebrity iPhones. We ve seen norks at film premieres covered only with tassles. We ve seen Kate Middleton s norks for goodness sake.
Madge is a bit like David Mellor a 1980s relic who can t understand why the world doesn't give a toss these days.
She s slaving away at being a controversial sex vixen long after the point her once titillated fans have seen the merits of warm pyjamas and a monthly dose of the missionary position.
Poor Madonna. She s probably wondering what s wrong with us.
It s partly her fault of course we get Kim K s lard covered butt in our faces first thing in the morning or Lady Gaga wearing inflatable spikes in the hope of getting noticed.
But these two and those like them are already withering and can t hope to have Madonna s longevity or reputation.
Madonna doesn t shock. Not her boobs not her music not her opinions. She could spontaneously combust join UKIP or go Morris dancing and we d just shrug.
So what does shock Well that s the second example of what s not news.
A man called George Prior drank ten cans of Coca Cola every day for a month and ended up piling on two stone.
This is the opposite of the Madonna story because while what she s done OUGHT to shock us but hasn t what George did SHOULDN T shock us but has.
Mercury Press George Prior necked 10 cans of Coca Cola a day
It s the most read story on the Daily Mirror website. It s been shared more than 18 500 times. There are a lot of people thinking blimey Coca Cola eh Who da thunk it .
Well all of us would have thunk it because it s written on the side of the can.
One can of Coca Cola 9 tsp of sugar.
Ten cans 90 tsp of sugar.
Ten cans every day for 30 days 2700 tsp of sugar moobs.
It s not a tricky bit of maths and it s right there on the label. Coke is renowned as a sugary drink that helps hangovers because of its unique chemical composition rather than because it s good for you.
I mean it cleans coins. You might as well drink drain cleaner.
So we re not shocked by a woman stripping off to sell us music rather than say writing some really brilliant and different new music but we are shocked by the bleeding obvious we already knew or could easily work out.
And why
Perhaps it s because in the 30 years since Madonna stuck her cone shaped bra in our faces we ve stopped looking at the world and started staring into our own navels.
Mercury Press George's empty cans
We don t care about others tits but worry instead why ours don t look like that. We only engage with celebrities who Instagram or Tweet themselves within easy reach and we worry not about where food comes from or how it s processed but how cheap it is and what effect it will have on our insides.
Our lack of interest in anything outside our selves forces those who want our money to commercialise their bodies in order to snatch our interest for a moment from what s happening in our own.
Sheer laziness means we re shocked only by things we can t be bothered to expend the energy to notice. One day we ll end up with MORNING HAS BROKEN as top of the breakfast headlines.
When that happens humanity you will find that David Blaine is the least of your problems.
What can we do about it
Well read the ingredients for a start. Snap out of it.
And pray that Madonna sees the most shocking thing she could do is drink 10 cans of Coca Cola every day for a month and THEN pour herself out of a corset because it would raise a titter if nothing else.
And that I m pretty certain is what she and us all want.
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