Well it wasn t THAT bad in the end was it Not quite yet Eurogeddon that s always threatening of course and seldom more so than last night with hosts Austria and their cloyingly sweet theme of Building Bridges Vienna even changed its pedestrian traffic lights to feature same sex couples threatening to turn every over saccharined Eurocitizen into an instant and justifiably rabid xenophobe.
But that doesn t really have to happen does it not with the current situation in Russia.
Seldom can the gulf between promotional dream message and blunt trauma reality have been more fully realised in the history of Eurovision than the slow realisation that everyone was voting for Russia. Sure Polina Gagarina had a nice song. Ish. And she genuinely cried at the end. A Million Voices yadda yadda. Niceish tune disguising toxic international hypocrisy hurrah
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It was as that Mr Wogan said so rightly so many years ago (though his prediction that Olivia Newton John s career could only go downhill from here was a twitch wide of the mark) not about the music but the politics. The music last night for that let me remind everyone was nominally what we were all there for was again with lovely but very rare exceptions turbid. Graham Norton Mr Wogan s natural successor had it nailed. We ve had some great songs at the start and we re looking forward to some great ones at the end but for the moment it is a a lull. Full of big female ballads. The BBC s subtitles mistranscribed this rightly as with dull female ballads . Sub The Voice ballads more than likely featuring a silly sweeping ball dress and Lady Gaga ee aye ee aye oh vocals. Spain and Malta I m looking at you in particular.
Elsewhere we were woefully ill served with regard to fun. No Polish udder swinging milkmaids no Russian dancing grannies. True the ever reinventive George Galloway fresh from his defeat in Bradford West did appear on stage for Montenegro. And Romania s song including the immortal lyric But if a strong wind hits me and I turn to dust You will be the reason to start again (what from dust ) was sublimely silly and despite its having been written for a charity to support abandoned Romanian children (good cause tick box) the singer s breathy last gasp don t leave the children behind would have necessitated a heart of stone not to leave one rolling in the aisles.
The UK possibly it s all yet to be analysed did even worse than our home judges performed in the year Abba won with Waterloo when we begrudgingly gave them no points at all count them none. It was actually a very good song for shame Europe. Nigella did well triffic actually but I think that the UK s preview film which ended up featuring actual drones might have facilitated some odd memories.
M ns Zelmerl w performs Heroes at the Eurovision song contest.Poland they of the erstwhile milkmaids went the other way and featured a lovely girl Monika in a wheelchair. Never has such a chair nor such a woman graced a larger stage all white billows and kingfisher beauty. Never has a duller song been written.
Although Latvia s came close.
Norton correctly described it as the worst title in the contest and sure enough Love Injected sounds like a particularly dodgy Lib Dem DVD as if there s any other kind.
As the vote closed Russia lost whew but so did Australia grr who had the best song of the night (actually I also rather liked Cyprus) featuring as it did harmonies rhythm bounce nuance memory. Way too many audience reactions were as ever facilitated by simply moving up a third on the scale or suddenly turning the lights up loud. Woo
So we re back to Sweden as hosts again which is nice and at least they can afford it. They won with a song apparently themed on a sub literate interpretation of Game of Thrones. We are the heroes of our time. But we re dancing with the demons in our mind. I may have missed something in the translation. But actually it was sung in English which may be the UK s only gift from now on to Eurovision.
The hilariously ravishing three Austrian hostesses performed in about as many languages as did Nigella and got it mostly right throughout the evening. Even when they didn t there was always Mr Norton to nudge them along with a dry as dust oops. That s got to be awkward. But during the international vote a technical glitch meant that Marija was forced to utter the words Oops we ve lost Estonia. Here s hoping the EU doesn t have to repeat her words.
For all that it was as ever great camp fun. My favourite moment had actually come in the semi finals earlier in the week with the Slovenians and the voiceover informing us that They re a couple. And they never ever take their headphones off. That s their gimmick. Excellent. So I can t be heard even if I shout a word about how bad their song is.
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